Shut Up... Just Shut Up.

There are times in my life when I want to help someone so badly that I end up fucking it up and doing more damage than good.

It's hard because I care so much about people, even people I've never met, that all I want to do is wrap them in cotton wool and cradle them until everything is all better. Yeah, yeah I know that's stupid and pointless and people have to learn how to deal on their own and if I help them all the time -- or at all -- they may not be able to manage on their own. I get it.

That doesn't mean I don't still want to help in some way. Sometimes I just get so overly loving (?) that I have to physically stop myself from saying things. Some people wouldn't even notice that I've done it or that I am doing it, so it's hard for them to see what I'm talking about.

This desire to make everyone else feel better comes from my own deep sadness. I wouldn't want even my most hated enemy to go through half of what I've been through and go through every day. I wouldn't wish my illness on anyone. Of course it's totally unrealistic and usually causes me to feel inadequate in so many ways, but I am still compelled to try and make someone else feel better than I do.

You'll laugh when I tell you that I'm much better at leaving people alone now than I used to be. I tend to be more careful and pick my opportunities with more thought. However there are times when someone just tugs at my heart strings -- usually someone who I have many similarities with -- and I have a terrible time curbing my natural instinct.

It's amazing when you think about it. Sometimes being too caring -- or wanting to be -- is actually far more detrimental and devastating for all involved. I've lost friends in the distant past because I couldn't just "stop caring". Some people don't want to be looked after and that was a rude shock to me. But I did learn eventually.

I'm not sure if many people with mental illnesses feel this way. Maybe they do because it's so much easier to help other people than it is to help yourself. In fact my first ever hospital admission back in 2008 was a complete bust psychologically speaking. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time and made some amazing friends, but I spent so much time looking after my new friends I completely neglected to even think about me. It was deliberate. My pain was -- still is -- too great to deal with and when things are particularly bad I tend to fall back into old habits. So yeah, maybe other mental illnesses sufferers/survivors feel the same way. Maybe they don't.

Right now there are a couple of people that I just want to lavish all my caring upon and while I'm desperately trying to fend off my impulses, I think I might just be failing. Okay, okay, so I know I'm failing.

So what do I do when the impulse to be sickeningly caring attacks?
Well there are a number of things.

• Taking a step back -- Instead of jumping right into someone's problems and trying to offer more than they are willing to accept, I just relax a little. 
• Keep conversations short -- This is great on twitter with the 140 character limit! Instead of trying to console/suggest/be annoying I usually just write light easy messages ie. "hi", "your day sounded great" etc. 
• Avoid extra contact -- It's really easy for me to offer more forms of contact for them to reach me on so this one is basically just limiting the contact -- consciously -- to avoid any overloads for either party. 

There are a few more things but they are really just variations of these three basic points. Now the trick is to actually follow these points and resist falling back into old behaviours. The current is strong when it's pulling you towards what you naturally do. We've all felt it. 

The -- possibly -- worst outcome of being overly caring is giving too much of yourself. Once I'm committed to helping someone I will do so at any cost. Usually that cost is my health as I end up staying up later to talk with people and I tend to get really emotionally involved. The high of "wow I'm doing something good" is quickly replaced with "I've totally fucked up" and/or "I can't handle anymore." Naturally this isn't a good outcome for anyone. So it's imperative I cease the behaviour as soon as I see it starting. 

Let's hope I can reign myself in before I destroy myself and possibly another person. I don't think my psyche could handle hurting someone else. Hurting myself is fine, but hurting another is unthinkable.