Internal Dialogue: Part 1

Although my internal dialogue is usually the same my reactions are usually different. I'm also sure I'll want to write more about my internal dialogue again so I'll just consider this part one of a -- potentially -- long series. Of course this is me so it's entirely likely I may not ever write about it again. Whatever.

My internal dialogue (or thoughts if you dislike jargon) sounds something like this:

"You're useless"
"No one likes you"
"You're pathetic"
"Everything you do fails/is crap/stupid"
"No one is going to listen to you, idiot"
"They don't care about you."
"If you go and kill yourself no one will care/notice"
"You're totally worthless"
"You're fat and disgusting"
"No one will ever love you"
"You're a failure"
"You're broken and crazy. People don't like being around crazy fuckers like you"
"They're ignoring you because you're so inadequate"

There's so much of it I could spend hours writing them out and still never reach the end of it.

Right now these things are all playing on repeat and the volume is turned right up. Usually the thoughts are mere whispers, which are easy enough to ignore.

Now to make one thing clear, a lot of these thoughts I have all the time and usually I don't even know which one is prominent until I'm sad and upset and wondering what the hell happened.

This was the case today.

If I'm being perfectly honest I couldn't even tell you which thought it was, only that I have this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.

I suppose I could have attempted to seek some kind of validation, however I dislike actively seeking attention. It's just another accusation that "haters" love to throw at me. So I adamantly avoid attention seeking and try hard to quell attention seeking behaviour.
If you've read the BPD page on this blog you'd have read the part about how we're often accused of attention seeking or potentially displaying the behaviour, so you may appreciate the idea that my conscious efforts are extremely draining.

It's just one more thing to fight.

Part of me wants to cry and curl up into a ball, wishing the world away. Another part of me longs for the nothingness of death. Yet another part wants to fight it all and be somewhat okay again.

Being upset by these things feels like failure. I've failed, again, at maintaining my equilibrium. I know it's just the internal dialogue trying to make me believe the crap, but at times like this it's just too hard to fight it off.

My response to todays "downer" -- for lack of a better word -- was to elegantly (hopefully) bow out of participating on twitter. Again my love/hate relationship with twitter causes me great emotional distress.
No one would really notice, but I have grown and matured in my interactions on twitter. I no longer write passive aggressive tweets about how I feel. Nor do I stamp my feet and have a hissy fit while demanding everyone love me. Okay, maybe I didn't do things like that previously, but I'm sure there are people who'd love to say I did.

Anyway, there's not much I can do to make things less awful right now. Mainly because -- and this is something I struggle with a lot -- I wasn't aware of my impending sadness and as such couldn't plan or implement any techniques to reduce the impact and severity. So much for all the group therapy and DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) I've practiced and learned.
There's a whole post dying to be written about my main complaints/problems with these programs, but I'll save that for another day.

I'll wrap up this post by wishing things weren't so hard and by hoping I have enough strength to fight.