The Monumentous Fuck Up

There I was drifting off to sleep when I suddenly decided I would check my twitter feed. Now twitter and I have a strange love/hate kind of thing going on. I love it when there's interesting, fun, inspirational and creative people but hate it when moles and trolls bring up their bullshit after they discover I've created a new account.

Anyway, I'm looking at my feed and someone corrected something I had said. To a non-insane person this wouldn't be an issue, just a mere "oh, right" and move on. To me it was the end of the fucking world as I knew it. My face flamed, my stomach knotted and my hands started to shake, which made my eyes start to leak without my consent. The famous you are so pathetic and you are a fucking idiot tape began to play and my eyes leaked some more. I felt absolutely awful and to top it off I felt awful for having such a huge reaction to something that warranted no reaction at all.

I'm ashamed to say I wasn't able to keep myself under control and I did in fact have my own little twitter meltdown. The only thing I can do is hope that people didn't actually realise it was such and shrugged off my seemingly random tweets. One must have hope after all!!
Of course, I know some people didn't because they tweeted me and calmed me down -- no mean feat when I'm so irrationally worked up!

But that whole episode is not what surprised me the most. What did surprise me was what I did the next day at my psychiatrist appointment. I sat there -- incredibly uncomfortable because that's how they get you to talk -- and I told Shrinky* all about how I was feeling, my irrational reaction and about losing grip of reality. In the two years that I've been seeing psychiatrists this is the first time I've ever talked about it as it's happening and not waited until after the fact to explain and talk about it. Shrinky just had to point that out of course, which I suppose was a good thing as we then discussed what that may or may not mean.

Falling back into the grip of my illness is never easy nor fun and the feeling of losing touch with reality seems to be the first step backwards for me. So my reaction to the innocent and non-offensive comment was doubly panic-inducing by the mere fact that I was so irrational. Which, of course, only added to my panic and feelings of worthlessness, stupidity and of being completely pathetic. Pfft. I am freaking awesome!

Right, so that about brings us up to date on my current emotional state. I'm on the precipice of being okay and falling into the dark abyss -- cliche: check -- and there's not really a whole lot I can do to deter the fall if it's going to happen. You see, from my experience I actually need to go through the shit bit to get out the other side. I've tried to rise above it, ignore it, move on -- blah blah blah -- but they only serve to make the low moods even worse, resulting in another hospital stay. It's really much easier in the long run to just get comfy and hope the ride isn't too bumpy.

For now, I'm going to munch on my lunch and whine about iTunes not having the last three Harry Potter movies as rentals.

*Shrinky is the name I will give my psychiatrist as I really don't think he'd want his name associated with my blog!! Suffice to say though he's a wonderful shrink and I'm extremely lucky, but I'll write a shrink appreciation blog for that!