Decisions and their outcomes

This is a bit of a blog/journal/getting thoughts out of my head for a little while post. It's not obligatory reading ;)

So I have a hard time with pretty much everything. About the only thing I do well is breathe and even then I sometimes try to swallow while breathing, which can result in choking and coughing up a lung.

The hardest time I have is trying to get along with people. People are strange and fickle and conceited and some are cruel while others are silly and some are just so arrogant I'd like to stick them with a fork to see if all the hot air releases and they blow away like a popped balloon. In short, people are an enigma and I have more than enough trouble trying to figure out what the fuck they want from me let alone how I'm meant to act around them and/or with them.
Now we add in my craziness and it's a mix of outright chaos.

I spend huge amounts of time avoiding people because -- let's be honest -- it's easier than turning myself inside out trying to please them. Of course I use social networking sites so I get this feeling of connectedness. It's a completely false sense but it serves for the most part so let's not complain about it. I play online games sometimes too, just to distract myself from myself (my head mostly) and to connect in a different way. The latest game was Order&Chaos Online (available on iPhone, android and facebook). It was great at first. I was levelling my character and meeting new people while being killed my spoilt little children who thought it would be fun to pick on noobs/lowbies. I found an Aussie guild and felt bloody awesome for a little while. They seemed to like me and to -- sort of -- listen to my ideas, suggestions and thoughts. Let me tell you I have lots of ideas to benefit everyone else since that's what I do; think of everyone else before myself.

Everything was cruising along pretty nicely until my head caught up and I started to see and interpret things differently to what they may have been. I realised that people were ignoring me. Those ideas and suggestions were being swept under the rug and any time someone asked a question and I answered they'd respond with "Isn't anyone going to answer my question?" People started to get snarky and mean and no matter how many times I told myself "it's not personal" or "they're just having a bad day" or "it's just a game don't let it get to you", all the crap started getting to me. I spent a vast amount of time working on guild things (bank, newsletter, activities for lowbies etc) without ever being thanked or having anyone even notice it. Normally this wouldn't matter, but I was starting to feel a tiny bit fragile and the reassurance and acknowledgement would have gone a hell of a long way to making things less intense. Of course these people didn't -- and don't -- know that I have a mental illness and that what they say actually cuts deep, no matter if it's face to face or online or in a game. I'm not about to sit there and divulge my weakness and insanity to people whom I had hoped I could have a "normal" online relationship (friends) with.

Turns out I can't. Tonight I deleted the game after I saw things were discussed and decided without me. These things were part of the bank and I was one of the people managing it!! It was the final straw for me. In fact I got so angry I actually made myself sick. Yeah, I never said I was very good at anything other than breathing, remember!?

Now I feel useless, pathetic and like a huge failure. I know this is my illness talking, but that doesn't actually change the feeling nor reduce the severity. It's there and it's horrible. I especially feel bad because there was a little 12 year old boy, Snake, who plays O&C Online and he reminds me so much of myself when I was 12. He's too smart for his age and can understand things his peers won't understand for another 5 years. He's alone in so many regards yet he's surrounded by people. Even his intense anger, sadness and happiness were reminiscent of my mood swings as a child. I so wanted to help him and guide him and teach him coping strategies that no one was around to teach me. My maternal instinct was strong with this kid and I feel like I've let him down because I can't handle the bullshit. It's incredibly silly since I don't know this kid from a bar of soap. I just wanted so much more for him than what I had. More importantly I don't want him to end up a pathetic waste of space like me. But, truth be told, he'll be better off without someone as bitter and twisted and broken as me around. He'll be able to learn real things off the others who aren't insane, which will go further than the empty ramblings of a strange "old" lady. So it's all for the best really.

If I say that enough times I might begin to believe it. Anyway, it's done now. I said my subtle goodbyes to a couple of people and will leave it at that. They need not know the extent of my pain nor that I'll most likely not play again. To them, I was just another faceless person behind a toon. To me, it was a chance to live and to be a part of something. It's just such a pity I failed.